Words to live by: No matter how long you are Unemployed: NEVER WAX YOUR HOO-HA
For many of us, unemployment has removed our ability to laugh. Some of us are so board we may even try doing things our common sense has ruled out years before. Please allow me to perform a little social experiment, you see if this does not make you laugh then you are in serious trouble. I know this is a major departure from my usual 99er political articles, but chalk this up to the "I want to really know if anybody is reading these articles anyway" department. Enjoy.....
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair, hot wax and now...the cold wax method. If you are at least 18 years old please read on.........
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Fix dinner, watch the grand kids come and go.The purpose of this exercise is to try and convey that things could be worse. Take time to laugh every day as we never know what tomorrow will bring. Good or bad.
I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should get the waxing kit from the medicine cabinet, as I had my first job interview in months the next day.
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together.
Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. Whoooo Hooo.... It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the family, I sneak back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship.
I drop my granny panties (I know - I know, TOO MUCH INFORMATION) and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the rightside of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself.... RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
OMG I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!..... OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out.... I must stay conscious... I must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe.... OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip (the one that has caused me so much pain) with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? More importantly.... WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip... it's not! I reach down and OMG, I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the sensitive area, now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake ... remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? So I put my foot down.
BAD MOVE.... Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. YEP, sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to go.. as my head may pop off!'
OK - What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax, right!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand in the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right ??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub.... in scalding hot water (which, by the way, does not melt cold wax).
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the AT&T man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter.
“So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!” There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal, however she does try to hide her laughter from me (which I greatly appreciated). She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hoo-ha?' She's laughing out loud by now and I can hear her clearly losing control.
I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions, I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girliegoodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in superhot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace..... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!! The scream probably woke the family and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. IT WORKED!!
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT! @#!$@#!!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point and not felt a thing. Even the years of unemployment seem trite by now - even the last year struggling to survive with no UI benefits income at all.
I doubt I will be able to sit through the interview tomorrow but then if it is anything like the last several, I won't be there long anyway, right?
Next week I'm going to try hair color......how bad can that turn out???
[If this made you laugh please consider making a donation so I can keep on fighting for the 99ers! Thank You!]
On St. Patrick's Day it's tempting to lecture about stereotypes, discrimination, and the scorn that greeted Irish immigrants to North America, including how the Ku Klux Klan, in particular, reacted with violent prejudice, since there are now more people of Irish ancestry living in the U.S.A. than on the Emerald Isle. But the legend of driving the snakes from Ireland is a metaphor for conquering our fears.
It isn't about green beer and shots of Jameson's; the celebration of Saint Patrick's Day is about embracing those we meet - finding and recognizing our similarities instead of dwelling upon the differences.
he had no idea his descendants would be able to watch events unfolding some day in places as exotic and "remote" as Cairo, Haiti, Japan, or even New Orleans or Madison as though we were all right there let alone use cell phones to text financial support. But he'd have loved the idea of helping those in need, of standing with workers fighting for their rights, and walking like an Egyptian.
Because culturally the Irish are inclined to see us all as one family. Irish-Americans are glad to see the wearing of the Green, today, even among those who can't spell Leprechaun and never eat potatoes. We're clear on why some Scots and Brits select other colors, and that's just fine, too - we'll still be toasting and singing and embracing all who can, even for one day, see a bit of something different as part of themselves, and a bit of themselves in the goodwill of Irish blessings and humor.
the stew with potatoes to serve another new member of the family. Guinness optional.